Letters
by zero434
Summary: I found some century old letters the were never sent and never would be, because I'm selfish like that Major human character name use. Rated t just to be safe. Disclaimer: I dont own Hetalia or any charaters. some swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Letters

I sat by my computer sipping a cup of tea while taking a look at a bunch of old letters on my table. I happened to be cleaning out my basement when I found them. I have to say I have been one bloody bastard of a father to my one of my children (more like adapted though). I've been such a horrible father to the child who did not rebel against me... (Well there was the rebellion of 1837 but that was more like a small tantrum than anything else.). I been so horrible to Matthew… and I still am. Because these century old letters that he wrote to his _papa_while never get to its destination. Because I am too curious as to what information they hold about the years I had taken care of Matthew. Because through those years I now know I have neglected the lad and know nothing about him. Even now, most times I even forget who he is.

So here I am, in front of my computer ready to type these messages into the Google translator, because I bloody well don't know how to speak _French_ much less read a letter written in _French_. I never did bother to learn the language because I bloody well didn't care or want to know what that stupid frog had to say. As I start to type I started to feel nervousness creep up my stomach because the letter I am holding had tears stains on it. Judging by the date in scripted on it it's the first letter the Mathew wrote.

As I typed I also realized that not only am I feeling nervous I… I also feel a slightly jealous as to why Matthew seemed to have written so many letters to bastard and never talked to me. Well never about personal things, he was just always there. Maybe that's the reason these letters never got sent. Maybe I was jealous of Francis or maybe it was the fact that I never cared enough about the person that had given these to me in the first place to sent and ended up forgetting about it and putting it off for another day mumbling to myself 'I'll send it next time'.

Now I remember that those were the only time he would smile at me happily and hopefully, handing me the letter with grace and elegance that he seemed to do with every move. Then Alfred would rush in and tell me what he would like me to bring home for him, while Matthew faded in the back as I focus on what Alfred is babbling about.

Oh God I feel like such a jerk right now…

Well here goes nothing.

_Dear Papa Francis,_

_How have you been? I haven't been doing fine. I don't like it here. I don't understand most of the things they say, and when I try to speak Arthur gets mad. I just don't know that much English yet. He always yells at me when I speak French. Also when I refused to eat his cooking he got so mad he locked me in my room. His food makes my tummy ache. I want to tell him but I'm afraid he would get more angry at me! Also when Alfred and I would play he said his hero and I'm the bad guy and he would always beat me up and when I fight back he would cry and tell me bad guys are suppose to be beat up then he would cry some more and run to Arthur then he would get mad at me and lock me up my room again! Please Papa take me back I promise I'll be super good so please come back._

_Yours truly,_

_Matthew._

_Dear Papa Francis,_

_How have you been? I haven't been doing fine. It gets really scary here at night. One night when Arthur locked me up again, it was raining and there were scary booming sounds. I wanted to call out to Arthur but I was more scared of him than the booming sound. I'm really hungry to. I don't know how Alfred could eat his cooking. I always get tummy aches but he seems to be fine. Papa I really miss you and your cooking. Please Papa I really do promise I would be good so please take me back._

_Yours truly,_

_Matthew_

_Dear Papa,_

_When I woke up the other morning nobody was at home. I was all alone. I was also hungry. So I cooked some food. I'm really thankful you taught me how! They didn't come back till late. I cooked dinner so that when Arthur gets home he will finally smile at me! I have also been learning English from the books I borrow from Alfred! I don't get locked in my room that often anymore! Something strange happened though; when Arthur and Alfred came back they told me to get out. They ask who I was and called me a thief he was also hitting with a stick demanding I get out. I told them I was Matthew, Alfred seemed to remember and told him who I was. Then Arthur apologized but when he saw the food on the table he ask me where I bought it from. When I told him I cooked it he got so mad at me! He told me I shouldn't play around the kitchen, that it wasn't a place for kids to around in then he threw all the food away. He hit me then yelled at me and locked me in my room again! He told me I won't and food for until tomorrow evening because I wasted food. It was good that I ate ahead of time. I don't know what was wrong with the food I cooked I thought they taste good. I only wanted Arthur to be happy but instead he got mad. I don't know what to do anymore._

_Yours truly,_

_Matthew_

I released a shaky breath, trying to get rid of the nasty feeling building up at the pit of my stomach and wondered I this wasn't such a great idea after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Letters

I take a sip of my tea. I'm tempted to throw up right now. I don't know but it's getting harder for me to swallow my tea. Maybe reading these letters wasn't such a good idea… But I have to keep on reading them. There must have been something good that happened during the times that Matthew was in my care! I couldn't have been such a jerk! Right...?

_Dear Papa,_

_I have good news today! Arthur gave me a present! It was late at night and Alfred was asleep I got thirsty to I went down to get a drink. Arthur was mumbling something about a failed experiment while holding a white bear at the kitchen. It was cute. I asked him if I could have it. He gave it to me the he said 'It's a magical bear' and that it could talk. He said that it was going to be my Christmas present! Well Christmas was just a couple of months away but what's wrong with getting a present early! Hehehe I'm so happy. The bear does talk! It asked me 'who?' then I told it my name then I gave him a name… I think it was kumamiro… no it was kumachiki…umm well anyways now I have a new friend and I won't be so lonely anymore! Also papa when are you coming back? Things had got better recently but I still miss you and well you haven't reply to any of my messages. Is papa mad at me? Please tell me what I did and I'll try to get better so please come back!_

_Yours truly,_

_Matthew_

Oh god. What the bloody hell how could I! I gave a little kid a failed experiment for Christmas! He had hold on to that bear ever since! Oh god now I remember I was trying to make man eating monster and ended up with a lazy polar bear. Then I gave that useless thing to a child and that child ended up treasuring the thing!

_Dear Papa_

_This is an early greeting for Christmas! I don't think I'll be able to write at Christmas so here! Things had been really weird lately. Recently Alfred had been mistaking me for a ghost. I think his making fun of me. Then sometimes Arthur would mistake me for Alfred! I don't think we look alike though. Also my bear kumamiko can't remember who I am… but he still hangs around me. I guess magical bears are forgetful. Oh well I'm still happy now that I have a companion that doesn't hurt me! Although he pretty much doesn't do anything. Oh and papa for Christmas if you are not busy maybe… you could visit me? Or if you're really busy you could just send in a letter? Please papa I really miss you so please._

_Yours truly,_

_Matthew_

I have a feeling things are just get worse. I don't know whether I could stomach this any longer. What possessed me to be this kind of person! I'm even worse than that bloody frog! I-I don't know I could go on and read these anymore.

I think it's time for me to sleep. I-I can do this tomorrow…

NO! THIS IS EXACTLY MY PROBLEM! I always put off things that have anything to do with Matthew.

No not this time. I'm going to read these letters no matter what! I think… I think it's time for me to stop turning a blind eye and face this. It's now or never.

I pick up another letter and opened it. The writing is barely readable. The ink is smudge and is that dry snot? What the bloody hell did I do now?


	3. Chapter 3

Letters

I massage my temples thinking whether or not I should continue. Reading these letters is torture and I've only read four to five… But I guess I deserve this mental torture. Oh no maybe I'm the reason he's so...so withdrawn and quite… Ugh enough I… I just want to get this over with.

_Dear Papa_

_Did you have a great Christmas? I didn't. Papa I hate it here. I don't want to be here anymore._

Gosh writing is a smudge. There are too much tear stains.

_You see the day before Christmas Arthur, Alfred and I were going to bake a cake together I was so happy because Arthur was smiling. But we did not have enough flour so Arthur told me to go buy some. He said he'd do it himself but he doesn't want to leave me and Alfred at home, he also said he didn't want to take both of us out because we might get lost because the town was really busy today and there's lot of people. While I was walking to the store where Arthur said I could get flour it started to snow. I was so pretty but by the time I got out the store (The nice lady gave me some bread but kumakiji ate it all! She was also very pretty) it was snowing real hard. I almost got lost. When I got back home it was dark and it was getting really cold. Even though Arthur gave me a scarf and a coat it was still cold. When I got home I tried knocking but nobody would answer. It was like nobody was there and the wind started to get stronger and there was lots of snow and it was getting scarier outside and I was really scared and I kept and knocking-_

By now I'm at the part where the writing was barely readable and smudge with what I believe was dry snot… God I feel like such a… GAH! There's no word in my vocabulary to describe what I'm feeling right now memories of that Christmas were coming back to me and I just can't find the right word to describe what I did.

_But no one would answer. It was really cold but somehow I fell asleep. I guess Kumichiki's warmth kept lulled me to sleep. I woke up when something hit my head. I opened my eyes to see Arthur holding a stick. He yelled at me saying what the hell I was and what was I doing in front of his house. I tried telling him who I was but he said he didn't know anybody called Matthew. Then Alfred seemed to remember who I was and reminded Arthur. He said 'dad that's the weird boy the Frenchman gave to you cause he didn't want him anymore' is that true papa? You care about me anymore? Why tell want I did I'll fix it! Please take me back! I even got a cold and fever on Christmas. Arthur said they went over a friend's house for Christmas Eve since they couldn't bake a cake. He told me he was really sorry for forgetting about me and hitting me on the head with a stick. It hurts. Not only my head, but my chest hurts and my tummy don't feel well. I felt like throwing up when Arthur said he forgot about me. I don't know why papa. Even when I was sick he always forgets me then he'd come by at night and say he was sorry again. I was sick for a lot of days and it was always like that. He would come by in the morning to take care of me but he doesn't come back until late night saying sorry again. I'd take care of myself but I couldn't really stand up without falling and it would be Kaminski to help me up._

_Then one night I told him to stop apologizing I guess it didn't came out right because then he didn't let me finish what I was saying and started to yell at me. I don't understand why he was so mad. Then he started to rant on how Alfred and I were both spoiled and ungrateful. Papa I don't understand anything anymore. Maybe he was mistaking me for Alfred. Again. Then he locked me in my room again. The next day he came back like nothing happened and asked me why I looked like such a mess. I did know what happened next because I fell asleep again. When I woke up he told me he was sorry again. After that he didn't forget about me much anymore. But when he did papa it hurts. But I guess I'll just have to work harder so that he won't forget about me just like Alfred. I need to more like Alfred. I'll have to get better and fit in my new home because I know you will never take back. I so sorry for what I did whatever it was. But I'll continue to write to you even if you don't reply. Because I still miss you papa and writing to you always makes me feel better. Oh and before I forget Happy New Year!_

_Yours truly,_

_Matthew_

I let the tears fall of my face. I didn't bother to wipe them. They will just dry on their own. Just like how Matthew would have been fine on his own even if I wasn't there. He wouldn't have to go through such level of neglect or have his hopes broken if I didn't take him from Francis.

I sat there looking at the computer screen. I took a sip of my tea and found out it was cold by now.

Then my door opened, a figure standing there staring me down. I give the figure an equally blank stare. I guess I won't be able to read the rest of these letters.


	4. Chapter 4

Letters

"Bad" that was the only thing the still figure uttered before a taller figure followed it. I realized now that it was all ready dark and that I have been sitting here for quite a while.

"Kumachika!" the other figure said although I thought it was suppose to be a yell. Only one person had that kind of voice. A voice that always carried a soft and gentle tune.

"Oh um… dad I'm sorry for just barging in like this but…" Matthew's explanation died down as he gaze drift off to the fill of letters sitting on Arthur's desk.

I watch the motions playing across Matthews face. There was shock then a sad accepting smile. There was no trace of anger.

He looked down on the bear that he was now carrying before burying his face behind it. Somehow this angered me. I walked up right to him I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I was mad. I was mad at myself for not caring enough for Matthew but I was also mad at him for not standing up for himself even now!

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING! ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND CRY! WHAT ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY WITH ALL YOUR CRYING!"

I shook him but he did not stir. He just clutched the bear tighter to himself. I couldn't tell if he was using it to protect himself or to help restrain himself from saying anything. This angered me more.

"DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY! IF YOU DO THEN FUCKING SPIT OUT! I'M NOT A CRY BABY LIKE THAT IF YELLED AT WOULD CRY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! DON'T YOU EVER GET THE FEELING TO FIG-" I didn't get to finish what I was going to say because Matthew interrupted.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOYU WANT ME TO SAY HUH! DO YOU WANT ME TO BE SURPRICE THAT YOU DIDN'T FUCKING SEND THOSE STUPID LETTERS! I FIGURED IT THAT OUT AFTER THE TENTH LETTER I WROTE!" I was taken aback by the force in his voice. But instead of being happy that he had react the way wanted him to, I felt irritated with what he said. If he had figured it out after the tenth letter why, why was there a lot more than that? As reading my mind he continued.

"I-I didn't lose faith in you even after I figured out you haven't been sending them you know. For some reason I still believed that you would eventually send them. I was thinking "maybe he just forgot about it, he will send them tomorrow." Oh what a fool I was."

Matthew let out a sob and crashed to the ground. I tried to reach out to him.

"Matthew I-."

"What do you want from me *sniff*" his voice went back to that week whispering voice of his but this time it carried out a defeated tune. I was shocked that Matthew would yell at me but wasn't that what I wanted? For him to speak to get angry at me, to stop being a push over. But why does it hurt knowing that I'm the one who reduced him to this sobbing mess. What did I want from him…?

"I… I want your forgiveness." I know it was selfish of me. But the guilt, this guilt is killing me. I just wanted to be forgiven. But I guess that's what my problem was, I was selfish. I didn't send those letters because I forgot. I didn't send them because I wanted that child affection to be mine and mine only and to give nothing in return. I was angry all the time because I knew that he wouldn't love like he did his first father. It hurt when he rejected the things I offer him and I turn and just try to forget the hurt. I never like the feeling of rejection. I always just try to forget. But by doing that I forgot and neglected a person how I was trying so hard to get acceptance. Now I'm here hurting more than ever. Just because I was selfish like that.

"I can't forgive you…" Matthew looked me in the eyes and I knew he was telling the truth. He was hurting. He eyes held the same hurt of a neglected child and I could do nothing but hung my head in shame.

"I can't forgive you… but I can forget." I looked at him with questioning eyes.

"I'll forget about the past because even though in those letters I said that I hated you, you are still my father. All I ever wanted was your acceptance your affection, I still do that's why no matter how bad you hurt me I will always over look it and forget about it. Because you are my father and I will always be your loving son. I just hope that one day that you would love me too." With that he turned to leave but before he had a chance to I grabbed him and hugged him close as if he would banish if I didn't.

"I'm such a bloody idiot" I said. Then I felt a hand grab mine followed by a giggle.

"Hahaha yes, yes you are." And with that said we both laughed and collapsed on the floor still holding on to each other and enjoyed the warm feeling that currently surrounded as.

"So what did you her for again?" I decide to brake the comfortable silence with the random question.

Matthew seemed to perk up and turned to face me scratching the back of his head. With a goofy smile on his face.

"I ran out of maple syrup and wanted to ask if you had any hahaha."

I smile at the lad. Thinking of I had any left.

"Yes I believe I do." His smile widen as he demanded where it was. Whenever Matthew stayed over he would have brought some maple syrup with him. Now that I think about it was kind of cute. We made our way down stairs as the letters lay on my table to be forgotten once again.

**The End**

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